Five Newtonian equations down.
Only seven quantum mechanical proofs to go.
We are cooking with CH4.
Oh! (laughs) Cooking with gas.
And they're both single, fellas.
Come on, guys.
Can't we have one day where we respect and support one another?
- Hello, family. - (chuckles)
There was an incident this morning
at our annual neighborhood block party.
Cam usually provides the entertainment at these things,
but he had Lily's birthday party,
so Phil volunteered.
Who needs Fizbo if you can have Philbo?
What? (chuckles)
I mean, where does it end? It's so long!
It's comically long when you think about it.
Thing is, Phil's terrified of clowns.
Just thought if I was the clown, I wouldn't be scared.
Like how you can't tickle yourself.
(giggling)
- Sebastian, no! - I got this. Sebastian!
Your mom's worried about you, buddy, even though there's absolutely no reason to be--
(gasps, breathing heavily)
Seb-- Oh, God.
S-S-S-- Se--
- S-S-S-- Clowns! - (body thuds)
Honey.
They were everywhere.
I recognize that I embarrassed the family this morning,
but I assure you that--
Phil, honey, just come on over here for one second.
Just a sec.
Honey, you are not the first person
to put on a clown outfit, walk into a hall of mirrors, and--
I guess what I'm saying is,
if you think you need to do something
to make up for that,
don't think that.
No! (gasps) Oh, my God, the computer froze!
Daddy to the rescue.
I feel heard. You know what, Dad?
It's okay. I need to do a hard reset.
I don't think it's a reset issue.
I think the surge protector blew.
I am going to plug this bad boy
directly into the wall and--
(thunderclap) (electrical crackling)
You fried my computer! All of our work is gone!
Honey, calm down.
Hard drives are designed to withstand temperatures of--
- (screams) - Oh, my God, it's on fire!
# Hey, hey #
# Hey #
Damn it.
What is wrong?
Huh? Nothing.
You know, I totally forgot
my navy buddies are meeting downtown later
for a little reunion at O'Brien's Pub.
Nothing special is happening here today,
so you have permission to go.
I don't really need your permission.
Why don't you just keep quiet
and take "yes" for an answer?
Ay, there's my handsome, perfect, amazing boy.
- Still not going on the class trip. - Why are you being a dummies?
- Is this because-- - I don't want to talk about it.
Why am I the only one in this house
that ever wants to talk about things?
(crying) Ay, papi, what is wrong?
Not now.
(crying continues) Okay, that's it.
If the men in this house don't start talking to me,
I swear to God that I will make life miserable for each and every one of you!
- (thunderclap) - No, not yet.
Don't tell me the power went out.
My Sleep Number bed is stuck on the nap setting.
Calm down. This is why I sprung for a new generator.
Which, you're welcome, just kicked in.
Granted, it doesn't power everything. I had to make some hard choices.
That's it? The bar and the pool table?
The frigerator's black.
Jay, you're not leaving
until you put power in the important things.
Don't make me more mad than I already am!
Can't I just do it when I get back? (thunderclap)
Would you stop doing that?
It's Lily's eighth birthday,
and we had a little backyard party planned.
Hot dogs, some balloons--
We really just threw it together.
Kind of like my birthday party last year.
You told me you did not want anything--
Anyway, we were all set for a casual kids' party,
(voice breaking) but then Lily got an e-mail.
She's coming! She's coming! She's coming! Ashley's coming!
(gasps) Ashley's coming? Mitchell, Ashley's coming!
Oh, my God. Now, wait a minute. Ashley S or Ashley W?
W! (gasps)
(together) Ashley W's coming!
Ashley is the most popular girl in Lily's class.
You invite her,
but you never think she's gonna accept.
No. Something must have fallen through.
The point is, she decides who's in and who's out.
- We had to up our game. - Which was a fun challenge.
Yeah, considering it had been a while
since we'd thrown a fabulous birthday party.
You begged me not to make a fuss.
Because that sounds like me, yeah.
Once Sophie boards the bus, we will be on our way to the Princess Park,
where we will all pick out our princess costumes!
(girls chattering)
I think Ashley's having a really good time.
- MITCHELL: How can you tell? - She's still here.
(thunderclap) (screaming) Oh!
Oh, no! Is it raining? Not to worry, sweetie.
We have parasols. (wind howling)
Oh! LILY: Oh.
It worked!
Good. I powered up all your essentials.
I'm gonna go meet my buddies.
I see my espresso machine didn't make the cut, but I'll manage.
One of the guys I'm meeting was lost at sea once. Had to eat a jellyfish.
I'll speak to him of your courage.
So, power's out. Had to come over real quick.
Phil dressed up as a clown and had a panic attack in a hall of mirrors.
He's looking to overcompensate for a lot, so don't indulge in any--
Hey, Jay. I remembered you had a generator.
I'm just gonna upload a few quick files for Alex.
Don't ask. I never do.
I can't open the jar.
Well, lucky for you
your Uncle/Brother-in-law Phil is here.
And with one mighty twi--
We should be--
Boop, boop.
good to go. Oh!
CLAIRE: No, no, no, no! GLORIA: No, no, no!
Dad, stop helping! Ugh!
Hey, monster.
Hey, you.
Andy and I started out pretty hot and heavy,
but the last few weeks I've been super busy,
so I guess he's feeling neglected, and he's acting a little cold.
I mean, a chuck on the arm? What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer? (chuckles)
Those are people, right?
(water dripping)
(gasps) Ay, there's a puddle!
Stella or Joe. See you in a couple hours. No, no.
Look, it's a leak, because it's coming through the wall.
Most likely your gutter's backed up. Consider it handled.
- Please don't ask me. - Luke! To the gutters!
(sighs)
(girls chattering)
Okay, princesses, your castle awaits.
- What gives? - The roads were starting to flood.
We were hoping to ride out the storm here.
- Yeah, sure. - Also, Dad, we're hoping to keep the princess theme alive,
so if you could pretend to be-- Interested? No.
(sighs) Okay.
Ladies, it's costume time. We have--
Costumes! Belle. We have Elsa. We have Ariel.
Costumes?
Ew, costumes.
What are we, five?
Okay. Uh, okay, so that's happening.
Ashley hates the costumes. Think of something else.
What do we do? I don't know.
Our friends are basically eight-year-old girls. What would they want to do?
(together) Dance party!
Yeah? Yeah? Okay. Okay, girls.
Let's get some music started here, huh?
Cam, there's no power.
There's Cam power.
- (thunder rumbling) - What is that?
Had I listened to you and we not donated to NPR,
we wouldn't have gotten this free emergency radio that we re-gifted to Jay and Gloria.
I wouldn't call $19 a month free, but okay.
All right, let's get a little funk in here, ladies!
(groans) # She's a brick #
Ooh. # House #
(audio distorts, stops) Okay.
- Little more funky energy into this thing! - Got to warm up.
Get it warmed up! You know?
# She's mighty, mighty Just-- #
(audio distorts, stops)
I don't know what's wrong with me. This is my butter-churning arm. (grunts)
Third drawer from the left. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Thank you. What's with the robe?
I had to go outside and cover my drought-resistant garden. Timing, right?
Anyway, there's no power in my room, and I wasn't gonna get dressed in the dark, so--
Oh! Whoa!
How crazy is your dad, huh?
Braving the elements! Keeping the family dry!
That is fur!
(thunder rumbling)
What's the plan, Luke?
There are no bad ideas,
but waving a metal shovel around in an electrical storm
could have a downside, so let's put it back in the garage, huh?
(thunderclap) Whoa! That was close!
(thwack) (shovel clattering)
Oh, my God! Not again!
(girls chattering) Oh, honey, you're gonna be fine.
I can't believe you let him get struck again!
"Again"? Don't worry about it, champ.
I don't think it hit him. Last time, he smelled like aluminum.
(thunderclap) "Last time"?
Honey, your father and I are trying to talk.
Okay, everyone. Don't feel like you have to wait for me to get back.
Jay!
- The leak is growing! - I was just on my way back out.
- I'll do it. - But--
- Sit! - (door opens, closes)
- That's a silly excuse not to go to your school trip. - Mom, I've made my decision.
Oh. Oh. Hey.
Hey.
What's going on here? I could cut the tension with my machete.
It's so... nothing.
I mean-- (scoffs) Manny got his robe caught in the refrigerator door,
and I may have accidentally seen... him.
Oh, you saw. Okay.
Manny, it's over. What happened happened. It's done.
Okay, good, because I have a problem and I need your help, Claire.
Yes. You got it. What is it?
Manny doesn't want to go to his school trip
because there is a rumor that the kids want to go skinny-dipping,
and he's self-conscious about his body.
I'm gonna pretend
I don't understand why you're including me in this conversation.
I'm just saying, you could tell him, since you already peeped.
- I didn't peep. - Tell him that he has a beautiful body
so at least something good comes out of the peeping.
Please stop saying that.
When I see Luke naked, I am going to tell him,
"Luke, you have a beautiful body."
"When"?
Maybe she doesn't think I have a beautiful body. Oh.
¡Ay, Dios mío! Claire, is this true?
No! Okay, I can't do this. I'm just gonna go ahead and walk away now.
But if a bolt of lightning should strike this house, you can send it my way.
Oh! Oh!
- (sighs) Okay. - What--
They didn't like the peanut butter sandwiches?
No. No one would touch them after Ashley said, "Crunchy?"
Shh. Are you crazy? She's right there.
(scoffs) This is ridiculous.
Are we really gonna let an eight-year-old dictate this party?
You know how peer pressure is. I had an Ashley when I was Lily's age.
She blackballed me from the cafeteria table, and then no one would sit with me.
I had to eat outside with the class rooster. And then one day--
If this ends in another case of you almost eating one of your animal friends, I can't.
Okay. That's what I'm gonna do.
If we get Ashley on board, everything else will just fall into place.
I convince juries that guilty people are innocent.
I can certainly convince Ashley that our party ideas are dope.
(muffled) But don't say dope. I won't say dope.
Ugh. Hey, Ash.
(chuckles) So, listen.
Oops. Oh, gosh. Oh, good call.
Um, I'm thinking about kicking this party up a notch, more grown-up activ--
I-I-It's still-- Yes, it is. My word.
Kind of a tweener on sizes.
And we always tend to go smaller, don't we?
I mean, human nature, am I right?
Anyway, um, a lot of high school girls
are really just falling in love with Pictionary,
and I sort of, um--
Oh, gosh.
Cam bought me this shirt, and I...
can't believe I just tried to blame Cam.
Mitchell, take responsibility. You eat bread, you billow.
Anyway, your shirt is nice-- (rings)
Hey. Yeah, take the call.
Nobody.
(voice cracking) Bye, Ash.
- (gasps) Hey, sexy. - What's all this?
Oh, just a little something special for "U" and "I".
I would put those away. Joe goes crazy if you play with his blocks.
Maybe it's time for us to get a little crazy.
Come here.
ANDY: I was afraid of this.
This is why I was trying to slow things down with Haley.
Women are always drawn to me physically in a very intense way,
which often fizzles out before we have a chance to connect emotionally.
- So... - Yes?
There are so many things about you that I just don't know.
I feel, in the Book of Haley, I'm only in chapter one.
Turn the page for me, girl.
What?
Would it help you to open up if I were to brush your hair?
You mean in a hot way?
I got us some wine.
You know what would be better?
Two cups of soothing green tea
to warm our emotional availability.
Ooh, the places we will go. I'll be right back.
HALEY: I hope this doesn't sound conceited,
but everyone wants me.
I knew there had to be a rational reason Andy was rejecting me.
Beth's Coast Guard uniform.
I can't believe he's not over her. She's a size six!
Hey! Who moved my blocks?
Okay, so, VI equals 367 meters per second,
and D equals .00214, so th--
Alex? Did you know I was struck by lightning?
No, no. Not right now. Maisie, continue.
Uh, I lost it. Ugh!
(sighs) So... can we talk about my thing now?
Okay, look, you're really hot, and under the right circumstances,
I could see myself making out with you, but-- Ew.
We're trying to re-create the work that we lost on the computer this morning.
Also, every time you open your mouth,
you let out a cloud of stupid over the entire room.
Wow. (scoffs) I don't want to be in here with you losers anyway.
And another thing. Can we circle back to what Maisie said?
Get out!
Hey. Back already?
Never left. Now the pool's a centimeter from overflowing in the house.
I gotta pump the pool. Wait, wait, wait.
Jay, I want you in that bar, and I need to feel like a man.
Let me pump your pool.
One hose in the pool, the other one-- Jay, shh. It's me.
You're right. I'll do it. No, I got it.
Gloria, be back in a couple hours!
What the-- Son of a bitch!
Who left the door open? Stella! Stella!
She probably got outside. Who the hell left the door open?
- Not me! - Nope.
Oh, God. What have I done?
JAY: Stella! Stella?
All set here, Jay. Working like a charm.
Admit it. You didn't think I could actually--
(both scream)
(grunts, groans)
Oh, no, no. What are you doing?
Phil had this in his trunk, and I didn't have faith in your "talk to Ashley" plan--
So you decided to go with bleeding clown?
How did your talk with Ashley go? It--
Is your shirt stapled? Ye-- Don't worry about it.
Okay, I will not have our daughter eat lunch with a rooster for the next year.
We have a fully licensed clown right here,
and I defy any child to not be delighted by that.
- A clown. - You don't like clowns?
Please. You know what?
- Shut up, Ashley! - (girls gasp)
GLORIA: Jay! Jay.
The water is coming inside the house from the pool.
Of course it is. Because Phil was supposed to pump it out!
Actually, there's an emergency valve.
At the north end of the pool? I know that valve. I'm gonna open that valve.
Haven't you done enough already? Please. I need this!
And who else would dare to jump in that pool right now anyway?
Me! I'm not sure about the rest of you,
but I'm going swimming-- in the rain, in my clothes.
GIRLS: Pool party!
Okay.
I am not gonna-- Can I come?
Um-- Do whatever you want, Ashley.
Yeah.
Is she following? Don't look back.
(laughing, squealing)
(shouting)
PHIL: Everybody, stand back!
I opened the valve!
-(girls chanting) Lily! Lily! - I'm happy for her.
Lily! Lily!
Your husband's outside half-naked.
There's still time to go downstairs and body shame him.
Okay. Let's you and me get this over with.
Huh.
Okay, you're really putting on mixed signals here.
Please, stop talking. Okay.
Of course you're insecure about your body.
You're a teenager. It's part of the job description.
But if this whole skinny-dipping thing ever even happens,
you have nothing to worry about.
Easy for you to-- You're still talking.
You have nothing to worry about because nobody's going to be looking at you,
because all those other kids are gonna be too preoccupied with their own insecurities.
But if they do? (inhales sharply)
(sighs)
You'll be fine.
You're the most confident kid I have ever met,
and that is always sexy.
Thanks, Claire.
CLAIRE: Mmm.
And if this helps you, I've always found you sexy too.
Super.
Oh, God.
(straining)
Stop pouting! That's so not you.
Who cares that you dressed up as a clown, then scared yourself in many mirrors?
Actually, what's more embarrassing is I thought
if I ran into that fun house and grabbed that kid,
everyone would look at me like the hero I always wanted to be.
Correction. What's most embarrassing is everything I've done since then
to make up for the first thing.
What are you talking about? "Hero"?
You're so much more than that.
You have flaws. You fall down a lot.
You frighten yourself. You cannot even open a jar.
- You cry all the time. - I'm ready for this to build into a compliment.
The point is that you are comfortable with yourself,
and you make people around you feel comfortable.
They feel that they can talk to you.
That's your superpower.
Pool's drained, leaks are fixed,
generator's running, and I'm meeting my buddies.
Why you have to go out? It's a hurricane outside.
I just do.
I think you probably loosened it with the--
Don't.
Here's your precious uniform!
That's Beth's. So you admit you're still in love with her.
What? Ow!
Just saying "Hey." Hurts, doesn't it?
Haley!
Haley! Stop! What are you doing?
You won't kiss me. You won't even touch me!
Then I find Beth's uniform. You tell me, okay?
What do you do with it anyway? You sniff it? You snuggle it?
You put it on a coat rack and dance with it?
I'm sending Beth's things back to her,
and I got her uniform pressed because I love my country.
So, you and Beth--
There is no Beth. There's only you.
I'm trying to slow us down a little.
We kind of started this whole thing off in the middle.
I just want us to catch up emotionally to where we are physically so we don't burn out.
We're not going to burn out. I liked you way before we hooked up.
I just want our relationship to be as good as our affair.
I mean, we never even had a romantic first date.
(chuckles) I know.
Maybe we should wait for the perfect moment
so we can start our relationship right.
Something special and magical, like in the movies.
What do you want me to do-- chase you through an airport?
I think we got it.
(thunder rumbling)
Oh, yeah. (giggles)
Come on!
A damn tree's blocking the street. I need my chainsaw.
Jay, I know you didn't ask my advice--
Glad you noticed that. I've been stuck here all day. I'm going to that bar!
The last thing I need is another delay.
Where the hell's the chainsaw? It's right there.
(thunderclap)
I'm not gonna get there, am I?
We don't have to talk about it.
Old navy buddy of mine, Big Jake, died today.
Guys in my unit have a tradition whereas,
when one of us goes, the rest of us, no matter where we are,
find the nearest Irish pub,
and at 7:00,
silently toast the fallen.
Started with 10 guys.
Four of us left.
Probably should have told Gloria about it, but I don't know.
We all went through some rough stuff together and--
Hard to talk about.
(sighs)
Thanks.
Phil.
Why can't we remember this last piece? We had it this morning.
Guys, I know you're busy,
but do you think being hit by lightning can make people smarter?
Get out of here.
Huh.
What-- Yeah.
It's probably just a myth.
There's so much crazy stuff on the Internet these days.
Turns out, when they figured it out the first time,
the formula was in the background of a selfie I took.
Anyway, if you don't think lightning can do that,
it must not be true.
After all, you are the smartest people I know.
(thunderclap)
Captioned by Captions, Inc.